Day 14 – The past is gone…”This ain’t Nothing”

Day 14: A picture of you last year – how have you changed?

This picture was taken Thanksgiving 2009. At this point of our lives, we were spiraling downward. I had an addiction.  By this point it had tore my family apart. We were arguing everyday and life just sucked…for them. I was happy…or so I thought.

I was addicted to an online virtual world. It completely took over my life. It was my drug. Talking to others all over the world. Getting very personal with different guys from time to time. I wasn’t happy at home and this was my little escape. Everybody deserves to be happy. This was my happy. Two years I was hooked.

My poor husband tried everything he could to make it stop. Until one day he got tired of it. Little did he know that I had already came to the decision to stop it completely. I was done. I saw how it was affecting us. I prayed about it. But, it was too late. He didn’t believe me. At this time, I went completely crazy. My whole world was gone. The kids would cry for their daddy and I didn’t know what to say to them. It was my fault.

During this time, all I wanted to do was sleep, to make time go by faster. Like that would of helped. There was a lot of non-sense that went along with my husband leaving and some of his co-workers. I was completely distraught.

After a few days he said he wanted to come back. So, of course, I let him. We had a good day, or so it seemed. Deep down I knew something was connecting. We went out and ate without the kids, and I could tell that his mind was else-where. When we got home, I went in the bathroom and cried my heart out. It was broken. Later that afternoon he asked me to check the mail, which was odd, I had a funny feeling about it. I got back and asked to see his phone. He was texting a female. I was furious. What woman wouldn’t be. He was gone mentally. He should of never came back. I went crazy. I busted my computer right in front of him. Threw my rings at him, and told him that the only that that mattered was us. All this other stuff didn’t. Like that stupid country song, “This ain’t nothing” But he was gone. Nothing I screamed about could bring him back. I was broken, mentally, physically, emotionally. I cried to him a numerous number of times. It was killing me. I didn’t eat for ten straight days. I was weak.

He would come get the kids and I would sit at home and be alone…crying. I would try to be strong for the kids, but I couldn’t. The devil had us in his hand., both of us. My husband was being deceived just the way I was for 2 years, but he didn’t see it. He saw someone telling him he was a good man and didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Which I don’t blame him. That’s how I felt 2 years previous. But I never left physically, just mentally.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband, but we wasn’t on the same page. We got married early and I really believe it all happened fast. Marriage, kids…etc. We never got to know each other. I have always raised babies, and he always worked. That’s not a marriage.

During a three month separation,  I started to realize that this was going to be my life now. A single mother. I started church with my parents and started picking myself up again. I started to wean myself away from depending on my husband. What little money he was giving, I had to make it stretch. I tried to get job after job. No luck. My self esteem was building back up. I wouldn’t call him for anything. I wouldn’t call and remind him to tell the kids goodnight, or anything like that. If he called, he called, if he didn’t, he didn’t. I was here for the kids and that is all that mattered. During those three months, in my mind I was still a wreck. I was lonely, even though I had my best friend move in with me. I was married for 8 years. I was with this man for 12 years. It was like he died. I had no one to go to and just have that emotional bond and get wrapped up in their arms and feel secure. I was lost. But on the outside, i was standing my ground. I was strong.

The 9th day of June (my birthday) we met to take about divorce papers. On my birthday! I was crushed beyond compare. I was strong though. I told him what I expected out of it. I cried when I left. It was so surreal. I don’t remember the exact day  he went and filed but I wasn’t ready to sign them yet. A month went by. I wasn’t going to sign them. For two whole months, I would go to my sisters house in the south. I felt I had to get away. Everywhere I turned I saw signs of him or what he was doing. I couldn’t take it. I thought seriously about moving down there. How could I live in the same town. Especially if he got with someone else, someone I knew. I just couldn’t bear it. It was getting time for Ariel to go to school so I decided not to move just yet. Maybe after I got a job…I didn’t know.

Little did I realize, god was working in my life. I was drawing closer to him. I was starting to feel peace. I prayed everyday for him and my kids, and myself. Some days I prayed for him to be happy, and some days I prayed for him to come back to me. I began to move on. Talking to others, if he didn’t want me, then someone else would. I had decided to sign the papers after Ariel started school. It was time for me to let go. I had to quit holding on to the line, if I could never reel it in.

The morning Ariel started school, I got up and got everything ready for her, took her picture like I always do, and off we went. I took it with my cell phone, and sent a copy to him, not saying anything else, just the picture or Ariel and Brayden. Later that night, after the kids are settled and I’m just about to go to bed, I get a text from him asking if I signed the papers yet. I replied not yet, but I plan on it this week, but somethings have to be changed and we have to talk about income tax stuff. Well, he asked if we could talk about some stuff. I felt cold about it, because we have done this before. He stated that he made a big mistake. and I reply with  Yeah!

So the next day he came over and we discussed everything and decided that it was time for him to come home. But I explained to him, that I can not take another heart break, and if it happens again, I will be done forever. He agreed. In my head I was so happy, but outwardly I tried to show no emotion. I didn’t want to get hurt again. It was like good was on one side of us and evil on the other, pulling us back and forth, and we were letting it! I was still insecure.

It has taken me months to completely get over what happened in those three months. Ten long months. We have gotten closer and have completely let God take control over us. I am happy, he is happy. Everything that has happened in the past is behind us. No turning back.  We have had our bumps, but life is great. We are strong together. If one of us falls, the other is there to pick us up. I have had to give my crazy thinking over to God. I have been at war with my own thoughts. It was tearing me down. I had questions about what he did while we were separated..what woman wouldn’t? I had to believe what he was telling me. I prayed that if he was lying to me, that it would completely eat him up inside. Then I let it go. I have faith in God so strong now. The rain came and he brought in the rainbow! I thank him for it everyday.

Here we are now. Like two peas in a pod. Getting strong and stronger.

I could go on for days about the struggles we have had since his return, but I have all ready talked about enough of the past.

We are marching forward. hand in hand. We are truly soul mates.

I am glad to say we will sit in our rocking chairs and get old together.

I couldn’t ask for a better man.

Don’t get me wrong, we are still normal, we still bicker, and argue about some stuff, but it is all petty.  “This ain’t nothing” We know how to pick up and move past those times. We fight about it, then after some smoke blows over, we come together calmly and talk about it, then we pray, because we know that it was just the devil that tried to get in the middle and take our peace away.

Thanks you Lord for letting me get all this out and I pray that it will be a blessing for someone and maybe give some peace to others who are in that same boat. I give everything to you today and everyday. I pray your love surrounds all who reads this. May you shine in their life and let them know that Joy comes from acceptance. You need joy, ask and you shall receive, You need peace, ask and you shall receive. Thank you Lord for all our blessings and the blessings to come. Amen. ❤

I love you baby! That wasn’t nothing. Just a little pothole. 😀 Cheers to life…together!